Shitposts to Santa

Odd

Odd

Fuck the police
V.I.P. Member
Merry Christmas OLFers and welcome to the Christmas event.


Oh no, it looks like Santa went and ate the wrong cookies. Now he's higher than a weather balloon and forgotten where he parked the reindeer but hey, he's having a good time.

images


Update, he's now reading those letters that children around the world send him asking for shit and is pissing himself laughing at the retarded requests kids make of him. He says that he's going to give out a special present to whoever sends him the funniest letter to Santa this year.

Ho ho ho


[Write a humourous letter to Santa, 200 words maximum. The funniest one wins a mystery prize (it's really good).

1 entry per post, enter as many times as you like and entries close at the end of the 24th of December.]
 
jane

jane

queen of the losers.
V.I.P. Member
Pronouns
She/Her
Dear Santa,

It’s my favorite time of the year!! My parents don’t like the winter because they have to shovel the snow but I enjoy it very much. Everything is so pretty when it snows and it’s fun to play snowball fights with the other kids on the block. Plus we get a lot of days off from school!! It is my favorite season. Sometimes when I am playing outside I can hear yelling from my house. Do you like the snow too?

I am so excited to see what you leave under the tree for me! But presents are not the most important part of Christmas, it is spending time with loved ones and spreading kindness, Mr. Jones told us this last week and I think he is right. I wish I knew why mom was crying in her room last Friday and why she didn’t look at me. I hope everyone at the North Pole is doing ok!! I will be sure to leave lots of cookies for you like I always do. Merry Christmas!
 
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jane

jane

queen of the losers.
V.I.P. Member
Pronouns
She/Her
dear santa,

eyooooo bro what up with your reindeer? 😂 🤣 fr fr on god only females keep their antlers by christmas… 👀 bro why rudolph got he/him pronouns then ⁉️ ⁉️ 🍆 💦 acting hella sus… and why you with so many little elf twinks btw?? caught you in 4k no cap 🤣 💯 📸
 
Ral

Ral

[SUBTRACTED]
Administrator
Test
Pronouns
He/Him
Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well and that Mrs. Claus is keeping you on your toes 👀. I am writing to let you know how good (or at least decent) I have been this year and to make a few demands for Christmas (you owe me big time with your neglectful ass).

First, I would like to request a new pair of socks. I know, I know, it's a boring request, but hear me out: these socks would have pictures of cats smoking week and wearing Santa hats on them. How could you say no to that? :cat

Second, I would like to ask for a time machine. I know it's a tall order, but I promise to use it responsibly (mostly for skipping traffic and long lines at the grocery store). Plus, think of all the milk and cookies you could eat from different time periods with that thicc ass of yours :blobtrin

Lastly, I would like to request a lifetime supply of weed. I know you are the master of getting high on your own supply, so I trust that you can make this happen :notsure

I know you are very busy this time of year, so I want to thank you in advance for considering my requests, sucka. I will be sure to leave out a whole tray of cookies (possibly laced to your liking) for you on Christmas Eve.

Sincerely,

Ral with the Kage

P.S. you still a bitch ass :maybe
 
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Vermiform

Vermiform

Best Pest
Pest Control
Dear Santa,

I am not writing you out of any desire to receive a present or boon, instead I write this letter hoping to receive nothing more than a simple answer to a question I find most complex.

Why do you exist?

Many grown ups and even a few children question your existence, I do not. Rather I question your reason for existing.

What do you exist for?

Obviously a direct answer would be "to give presents" and I absolutely agree that it is as fine of a question as a kid can receive, however I am no longer a kid, I fully understand how the world works, I can smell the economic gears turning ever so slowly, I can taste the famine and feel the emotionless cloud stalking each and every one of us from the heavens above.

My parents can give me presents, my teachers can give me presents, my boss can give me presents, my wife can give me presents, I can give and receive presents from every single person I have ever met or will ever meet.

Why do you feel the need to exist?

Is it to spread joy and the idea of good? I can't list every church in my town because I can't count above the number of my hands' digits. I can however see that religion and hope were never lacking or in danger of drying up, instead I see the opposite, I see your presence inspires those who have faith to seek more faith and those that lack faith use your face as a substitute for a god to their children. You are both an inspiration for and against religion, your existence is both a symbol of an atheistic heaven and a spiritual hell.

Why do you need to judge and punish us?

You have no set rules because you prey on uncertainties, you have as much power as we give you yet you judge us. You feel the need to set rules inside us which you yourself care little about.
I fear you feed on my fear.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous
 
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Goth Boy

Goth Boy

King of the losers
V.I.P. Member
Pronouns
She/Her
Dear Santa

Have you ever slept with a Fat Chick on an elephant's Back?

Yours Truly, your cousin Kyle
 
Atem

Atem

King of Games
V.I.P. Member
Shut up and take my money!
Dear Santa,

Heya, it's Nick, and as per usual you haven't delivered. It's been six years, and I have been wishing for the same thing every year. I want a working spaceship with an interstellar hyperdrive. There are so many aliens out there that have gone unviolated for too long. I am here waiting to violate them. In every way imaginable in the name of the Emperor of Mankind. My dick is an instrument of vengeance. That exists to exterminate the enemies of mankind. Allow it free reign on the galaxy. There are many holes that need to be penetrated. Many aliens that need to be made to love the cock. What are filthy extraterrestrials but ornaments for it? It is their raison d'être. Do not deny them humanity's virile seed.

Love,
Mr. Nick
 
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Nevermind

Nevermind

Exceptional
V.I.P. Member
Thanks for the beer and chocolates, Santa. Now I demand a good comic artist that can do an 80s/90s cyberpunk aesthetic.
 
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