Ban Verse

[Von Gos]

BAN VERSE​

Jeff took his seat at the end of the table, forked a big, meaty sausage into his mouth. The juices spilt messily out of his mouth as the Red Woman at the other end of the table – whom he now recognised as ‘Rinoa’ – banged her gavel, signalling the beginning of the meeting.

As usual, a veritable storm of voices directed their fury towards him. A couple of them belonged to people he was still able to identify. Most of them were little more than vague shapes, their words even more indiscernible to him. Jeff continued to chew. One day, they would understand his vision.

“Trust!” Today, it seemed, was not that day. Jeff wiped his lip with the back of his hand and squinted forward. Who was it who had said that?

Unfortunately, before he could even begin to process who might’ve made that ill-advised utterance, another one of the staff grabbed his attention by launching into an extensive oral thesis. Some Red Man of greying hair with golden streaks, gesticulating wildly in the air as he raved about unimportant nonsense. “Can’t you see that your actions are driving away our citizens? I know you don’t like being insulted. Heck, I don’t want you to be insulted, either…”

He continued droning on, but Jeff had long since stopped paying attention. Beside the tedious orator, Rinoa pressed a hand against her face and sighed in resignation. Jeff sympathised with her. He was also beginning to grow tired of this.

“You don’t get.” Even after all these years, he still wasn’t used to the sound of his own voice. Jeff pressed on, however. “It’s very simple. These boards need to be fan friendly, so are cannot have contents like that. Do you understand? In order to be fan friendly, we must be friendly to fans first. That is the first.”

One of the Green Men gaped at him, as if he couldn’t understand what he was hearing. From what Jeff remembered of this man, that probably was the case. “What are you even saying?” he asked, sounding outraged and baffled all at once. “What are we even fans of?”

“That is not.”

“Do you even understand the words you’re saying?” the Green Man sneered.

Jeff tilted his head, raising a hand. “Please not insult – will ask only once. Be calm like me. This are all being very simple and sense.”

“You are genuinely the thickest person I have ever met,” someone piped up. It was difficult for Jeff to make out exactly who the voice belonged to amidst the sea of dissent. Jeff curled his fingers around a sausage, clenching the meat in his fist until it became grey mush. Why didn’t they understand?

“Then why are so many Blue Men and Red Men agree with what is best? I have discussed.” Jeff nodded to himself and licked the bits of meat from his fingers, satisfied at his explanation. In truth, his decision to bomb the entire Bathhouse hadn’t been discussed with anyone, but it wasn’t as if they had any way to verify the veracity of his claims. It was the perfect die List.

“Speaking of die…” Jeff found himself muttering, the barest trace of a smile cutting into the otherwise stone hard expression on his face. “I have seen the disgusting thing came. Many people spamming other board – against our trust. I have Schindler’s List of what to do to save our board from these unfriendly members. But must start from within.”

“What the hell are you…” The Green Man from earlier piped up again but was cut off by Jeff’s fork inserting itself into his throat. It was a clean kill, made with the surgical precision that he was always known for, and only a little bit of blood went on the carpet. But that was okay. Jeff could always buy more on Alibaba.

“It is time for the Great Fix.”

 

[Baka]

damn, i laughed out loud

who knew it'd take a humiliation conga of destaffing and permbanning to make ying a good poster

 

[Odd]

Are there any villains in fiction like bmx?

 

[Lurko]

Are there any villains in fiction like bmx?

Mickey Mouse.

 

[Leng]

I was already sold by the title, this was a haunting rendition of what logically took place.

 

[Pericolo]

Open here I flung the section, when, with many a flirt and erection,
In there stepped a stately admin of the shitpost days of yore;
Not the least grace portrayed he; not a lick of sense made he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my section's door—
Perched upon a bust of Fang just above my section's door—
Perched, and shat, and nothing more.

Then this thick ankled german, blowing bubbles of cheap bourbon,
By the clownish rudeness of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy wrist be thin and hair receding, thou,” I said, “art sure no admin, leading greeting and ancient Man coming from the repping whores—
Tell me what thy wicked claim is in the Fanverse cursed lore!”
Quoth the admin “Therefore.”

 

[Von Gos]

How long had he spent in the Court now?

Island picked up a pebble and tossed it into the river, sighing as he watched the murky water ripple. Not too long ago, that had been him: a steady rock in a body of water, doing its utmost to remain buoyant in the tides of the times despite the physical futility of the task. Some tides, unfortunately, were impossible to resist. Trying to argue with Jeff was like screaming into crust of the Earth and hoping it’d form fresh land without the need for violent collisions between tectonic plates.

He supposed there was no helping it now. For most people, the Court served as a temporary unit of containment – an offender need only serve out a short sentence and would then be released back into the world. The duration of this sentence would, of course, vary depending on the severity of the crime committed as well as whether or not they were a repeat offender. In his case, however, Island suspected his punishment might be of the more permanent variety.

Island sank down to the ground, leaned his back against the slate brick wall of the Bridge Between Worlds.

“Guh.” He frowned. What was that ridiculous sound he made? “Guh. Guh? Guh, guh!”

A glacial fear gripped him. It hadn’t occurred to Island that staying in the Court without the protection of his Aloofiarch badge might cause him to undergo physiological changes. Was this what happened to normal people who were sentenced here? Had he spent so long here that he’d forgotten how to speak? God, what would be next? Coastal erosion of his min—

Something burst out of the water next to him, splashing shit and piss all over. It was a big, broad shape with inhumanly disproportionate limbs; long in all the wrong places and covered in green and yellow splotches. It leaned down its massive body at Island and grinned a wide smile that revealed a set of perfectly mismatched teeth.

“First time?” Belatedly, Island noticed it – or he, judging from the sound of the strange troll’s voice – had a noose tied around its thick neck.

“Guh.” Island grimaced. He dearly did not want to be here, but while he was here, he may as well take advice from the Court’s denizens.

“The longer you stay in the Courts, the weaker your mind gets,” he explained. His voice was husky and deeply unsettling to his ears, like his pitch was some kind of auditory fault line. “This is especially common with commie liberal cucks, which I’m guessing you must be. Anyway, I managed to remain based because I’m blackpilled.”

Oh, God, he was talking to T-Pein. This was T-Pein, wasn’t it? Island shook his head slowly, clenched his fists. “No, listen, you fucking idiot. I know that’s not why you’ve managed to keep your individuality here because what you’re saying makes literally no sense. Stop being a dick and help me.” This is what he wanted to say, anyway. “Guh.”

“Anyway, kid, I would like to stay and teach you my based ways, but you…” T-Pein looked him up and down, as if one might appraise a piece of meat at a supermarket. “You clearly consume too much soy. Besides, my Proud Boys have managed to get that Jeff guy to reverse my exile given by those cuck Green Men, so I’m gonna head now.”

“Guh?” What? Did this imbecile have any idea how long it took him and the others to get him exiled? And now Jeff was going to let him back? No chance!

Island roared and lunged forward, hoping to grapple T-Pein. But the big troll was faster than he looked and slapped him down into the water before he could even get close.

“That was not very cash money of you, friend. You should’ve known better. Proud Boys…” He pounded his chest. “Always stand ready.”

Island just gurgled in the water. This was the worst.

 

[Its Over]